Sunday, April 30, 2006

KH2: Sora shouldn't be a lion

27.5 hrs hours into the game.

Worlds passed through:
Prologue (with Roxas)
Twilight Town
The Tower of New Shiny Clothes
Hollow Bastion
The Land of Dragons
Beast's Castle
Brief return to H.B./100 Acre Wood
Olympus Stadium
Disney Castle
Timeless River
Another stop at 100 Acre Wood
Port Royale
Olympus Tournament 1
Twilight Town
Hollow Bastion
Hollow Bastion Heartless War
100 Acre Woods
Land of Dragons
100 Acre Woods
Beast's Castle
Port Royale
Halloween Town
100 Acre Woods
Pride Lands
100 Acre Woods
Atlantica First Rehersal

Atlantica Second Rehersal

Worlds Remaining: 7

Plot Points:

I went on to finish Argabah, still not enjoying the flying carpet thing. However, finishing it caused the Pride Lands to reappear, and I thought I might as well get that over with.

Lion Sora scares me. I mean, I appreciate that finally the kid runs at a decent pace, but did we have to turn him into a lion to make that happen? (And if that damn skateboard shows up in the desert during the second visit, I'm going to scream.)

So why does Lion Sora scare me? It's his lack of expression. Lion Sora looks vapidly happy 90% of the time. Yes, I know regular Sora is vapidly happy a lot, too, but at least his face moves. Lion Sora just stares out of the screen with huge eyes looking like there's seriously no one home upstairs. Your clothes transformed you, Sora—into an idiot.

See? Even Nala wants to know WTF is up with that hair.

Let's talk about this magical transformation. He turns into a lion, going black like his clothes. (Um... ok, yeah I can go with that.) But he retains his brown spikey hair. He's too little to have a mane so what's with the hair? Did someone think we wouldn't recognize him if he didn't have the hair and the necklace? Make the kid a lion—stupid—but keep his hair and his bling. You know what they should have done? Kept his clothes, too, and had him walk upright. If you're furry, Disney, don't do it halfway.

If you click and look closely, Simba's wondering about the hair, too.

What scares me even more is after I completed the first Pride Lands episode, I went to do the 100 Acre Wood stuff so I could have a break from the Adventures of Furry Sora. Anyway, Sora appears in Hollow Bastion and I stare at the screen going "why does he look funny?"

Because he's not a lion.

Curse you, Disney.

Thanks for taunting me by completely displaying The World That Never Was on the map, but then not allowing me to go there. Oh, and for adding another stupid Gummi Mission to Twilight Town, because that allowed me to avoid Lion Sora for a few minutes.

Anyway, further trying to avoid Lion Sora, I went to Atlantica. Where I was assaulted with—are you ready—Dolphin Sora. Ok, he's a merman, but I ask you... are merpeople part dolphin? No, they're part fish. Are dolphins fish? Well, contrary to what Square might think, no, dolphins aren't fish. They're mammals and they have to breathe air. Making Sora part dolphin to chill under the sea makes about as much sense as Lion Sora retaining his hair and bling.

...So it's par for the course.

No, it's really not.

Lucky for the naked hero, the magic of Disney allows him to breathe underwater.

Unfortunately for him, I'm not sure even 12 year old girls are going to be excited about staring at his scrawny chest, and he has a dorsal fin that looks like it's coming out of his ass.

Oh, yeah, and they make him SING.

I'm not sure if the joke's supposed to be on Sora or me.

Screenshots from Kingdom Hearts Ultimania and


Elbot said...

I can honestly say that I agree with you on the Lion Sora stuff. They didn't even bother to make him a new model for that world, either. It's just a cheap redo of the cub Simba -_o

Atlantic didn't bother me all that much. Well, aside from Finny FUCKING Fun. That song is like SE's way of saying "There is no god".

c.rooney said...

Funny that's the same lyrics I pointed to as proof that Sora had to be gay to want to involve himself further in the fiasco.

That or he really wants to do Ariel because she reminds him of Kairi.

I want Roxas back, damnit. Roxas would have NEVER agreed to sing "Finny Fun," no matter how bad he might want to sleep with the fish girl. And Roxas would have been WAY more freaked out about the lion thing than "wow, it sure is hard to walk on four legs."