Sunday, May 07, 2006

KH2: Spoilerific!

33? hrs hours into the game.

Worlds passed through:
Prologue (with Roxas)
Twilight Town
The Tower of New Shiny Clothes
Hollow Bastion
The Land of Dragons
Beast's Castle
Brief return to H.B./100 Acre Wood
Olympus Stadium
Disney Castle
Timeless River
Another stop at 100 Acre Wood
Port Royale
Olympus Tournament 1
Twilight Town
Hollow Bastion
Hollow Bastion Heartless War
100 Acre Woods
Land of Dragons
100 Acre Woods
Beast's Castle
Port Royale
Halloween Town
100 Acre Woods
Pride Lands
100 Acre Woods
Atlantica First Chapter
Atlantica Second Chapter
MiniGullwings in H.B.
Atlantica Third Chapter
Pride Lands
Atlantica Fourth Chapter
Atlantica Final Chapter
Hollow Bastion
Twilight Town


Worlds Remaining: Sidequests

Plot Points:

So I tried to fight the secret boss—it's Sephiroth, btw. He kicked my level 52 butt. :(

No shiny happy keyblade of mass-destruction for me, and off to Twilight Town I go.

In Twilight Town the girl who has Selphie's hair is all "omg, Goofy, it took us like 10 hours but we remembered that the blue crystal you have is totally the same as the one in the trophy. And you have my coin purse, so OMG, there has to be another Twilight Town that you got that stuff from."

You know what's awesome? The people in Kingdom Hearts 2 have the most incredibly magic computers. Their computers can transport you to alternate version of Twilight Town. You know, like the version Roxas was in the prologue. And Sora's all "wow, I am having a flashback of Roxas beating the crap out of this busted up computer. This is so his world!"

(Roxas flashbacks make me happy.)

And it's really easy to use the computers, because all you have to do is remember that everyone in the game likes to eat Sea Salt ice cream. (WTF.) I'm amazed Sora didn't shove Pence out of the way and go "I can do this, dude, I totally know how to contact Tron."

Oh yeah, and Mickey's there but he keeps taking off and reappearing magically in cutscenes.

Finny f***ing fun, Axel shows up, is bad ass and then gets killed. In attempt to impress Sora, my favorite redhead puts all his being into one attack and clears like... 1000 nobodies. See, if he was the main protagonist, it would have just been a boss fight and hitting the green triangle again and again would have done most of the work.

But, proving he's the best character in the game, he goes out joking about how his heart wouldn't be in it if he went to see Kairi with Sora. Because Nobodies don't have hearts! Oh Axel, you card, you're worse than my characters.

Awww... Axel. :(

I don't care that he's probably Riku's Nobodie and by default a Sephiroth Clone, I liked him. He had a sense of humor. A weakness for bad puns, true. I'm just upset that in the battle where you fight against Nobodies with him, there's no special limit break. I would have loved to see him and Sora do a combo move together. I may have even been able to forgive his expected death if there'd been sweet combo action, because he'd gone out in style.

To further taunt me, after Sora goes to the World that Never Was—which is the coolest thing in all of KH2, btw. Fantastic design. Neon and darkness, skyscrapers, a heart-shaped moon, and...ok...the castle is stupid-looking, but maybe it's better inside.

Donald and Goofy get held back by samurai Nobodies, who are controlled by Roxas. (I can't recall which ones are Axel's.) And Member XIII shows up, complete in his wicked coat. Sora's all "Hey, who are you?" and The other guy in his best I Am The Ghost Of Scar Voice goes "Someone from the dark." And Sora's all "RIKU YAY!" and he's all "I beat a Riku once." And Sora's all "OMFGWTFBBQ NO WAY." And he's all "...dumbass." And proceeds to wail on Sora with dual-keyblade action.

So they fight, and XIII totally owns Sora. No, he pwns him, and Sora's there with his keyblade pinned down and held away and the other keyblade at his throat.

He's a little freaked out because it takes him a Dramatic Moment to realize 'oh yeah, I can call the keyblade to me in a golden pixel flash. DUH!'

Which he does, and somehow XIII completey forgets that 'Wait, he can call the keyblade to him a golden pixel flash. DUH!' and gets slashed. So he drops his dual keyblades and they disappear to ... uh... I guess it's a little pocket demension where Keyblades are kept while you're running around and stuff. You know, Keyblade Space. (Yes it makes perfect sense. So does Love DNA.)

XIII takes off his hood and he's—Cloud Strife! No, he's not. He's Roxas. Please, 30 hours isn't long enough to make me forget what I saw in the prologue. I think, finally, there will be some resolution. In my head, this moment of greatness goes kind of like this:

Sora: "Wait, you're Roxas?"
Roxas: "..."
Sora: "I've been searching for you..."
Roxas: "...I've been with you all along."
Sora: @_@
Roxas: *leans forward and does that annoying hand motion that even Lion Sora does when he's making a point* "I'm your Nobodie. Roxas is an anagram of Sora with an 'x' added. You knew that, right?"
Sora: "...OMG KEWL."
Roxas: "...yeah. I'm the darkness that's in your heart, Sora."
Sora: "Hey... you beat Riku?"
Roxas: "Yes, I'm only a nice person when I've been given your personality by DiZ and then stuck in an alternate Twilight Town while Naname uses me to rebuild your memories like she said she would."
Roxas: "Listen, I'm explaining to you the whole plot of the game. Do you think you could pay attention?"
Sora: "Wait, how come I can't have two keyblades unless I'm in drive form, but you get two all the time?"
Roxas: "Look, you need to wake the hell up and go save Kairi."
Sora: "Can I have your raincoat?"
Roxas: "...dude, I need this, I'm off to get drunk with Ri—Axel."
Sora: "...wait, Axel is Riku's Nobodie?"
Roxas: "Yeah, dumbass, didn't you notice?"
Sora: "..."
Roxas: "OMFG. You so need me to defeat Xenmas, because you're a moron!"

But that's not what happens. That's not even close. Sora, who has a PHOTO of Roxas doesn't recognize him because he's WEARING DIFFERENT CLOTHES.

Roxas looks at him and goes "You make a good other." Which is a vague way of saying "Hi, I'm your Nobodie, but I wanted to beat the crap out of you to know why you get to be the main protagonist and I only go to be in the prologue. But I've decided you're a kick-ass fighter, even if you're a moron, and I'm all happy we got to meet even though it means I'm totally melding with you RIGHT NOW."

He disappears, Sora returns to the real world and is all "hey, who was that guy, and hey what did he mean?"

To which Donald and Goofy inform him that he "disappeared" and they had to fight off Nobodies on their own. Basically, what could have been an incredibly poignant moment is reduced to ", I forget to take my meds this morning, guys!"

I think this might be what de-resolution means.


Sorcha Chumomisto said...

the 'can i have your raincoat' comment totally reminded me of johnny in hell.

OHMIGOD. now wouldn't that be brilliant? jhonen vasquez videogames.

Sorcha Chumomisto said...


a penny arcade KH2 moment, our vouz:

Sorcha Chumomisto said...


c.rooney said...

I'm not sure if I've seen the penny arcade thing or not, but when I follow the link it tells me I have to login....

Have you been enjoying the director's plot guide for KH2? :D

Sorcha Chumomisto said...

oh i have been!

well. i suck at making links obviously. its fridays comic, so if you just go to pennyarcade and check out the top comic, you'll see it.

c.rooney said...

Haha, that's the one where Jiminy bitchslaps the guy with his cane, right?

Yeah, my response to that whole "secret ending" was "uh, that's what YouTube is for, forget this journal nonsense."

Ryan Plante said...

omg....ur so funny>< i swear u give great meaning to be such an obvious person>< its so funny the way u point out things....and finally sumone agrees w/ me in saying tht axel is riku's nobody>< THANK YOU GOD!!!!^^ so..e-mail me or sumthin k ^^ keep it real