Friday, May 15, 2009

Food shouldn't have faces

It is too Thursday.

I know this because in a moment before this one that I declared Thursday Morning a heinous crime occurred. Thursday Mornings are bad for surprises. Surprises happen on Thursday Mornings because that's when Dante and I go to Tokyo. To dodge loli-ghosts and hunt for wild manga and seek parts for the battle mechs we're building. When they're complete, we're going to fight for Tokyo Tower.

Assuming it doesn't return to your world first. I don't think it will. I've had a good listen and I can say with relative certainty that we destroy and rebuild the Tower in several epic mech battles before it disappears. Relative certainty, because nothing is entirely certain. Even less so when people like Dante are involved.

This Thursday morning I sat down to my breakfast of pancakes. Usually I have smiley-faced pancakes. Not because I want to. I don't. I'm a firm believer that food shouldn't have faces.

My brother gives the pancakes syrup smiley faces because his mother used to do it for him. I guess she liked to watch the pancakes smile as he stabbed them with his fork.

My mother knew better than to give food faces. If something has a mouth, it can talk. Or talk you out of eating it.

I have had smiley face pancakes that tried. In a very cheerful, happy way. Which made it worse. It was like eating a cheeseburger with a over-caffeinated vegetarian. Except without the soy breath. Pancakes smell much better than soy.

I explained to Matt about the smiley face pancakes. How they happily guilt trip me. He gave me one of those Older Brother looks. Said FINE and drew a line across the pancake's mouth. I suspect he hadn't had his coffee yet. He's very mean before coffee. Sometimes mean after. He has a Temptation streak from his mother. It doesn't like the Fortune one I got from my mother.

This time instead of a smiley face he gave my pancake what looked like a Big Smiley face: :D Turn your head to the side. You'll see it. :D

This is Not Good. You'll see why.

The pancake smiled its BIG SMILE at me and said "Hello, Ethanael!!!!!"

Yes. Really. With all those exclamation marks. I know because I felt at least five jab my brain. Have you ever had an exclamation mark jab your brain? It's like listening to your favorite song and someone stabs you with their finger to get your attention even though they can see that you have headphones on and are drumming along to something with an enthusiasm that suggests extreme pleasure. I hate those people. And multiple exclamation marks. One is enough to get your point across.

"Shut up, pancake," I said. "I'm going to eat you. Don't try to cheerfully talk your way out of it."

"Oh, no doubt!!! You sure will!!!"

See? Annoying.

"But first... I have a message from Stellina!!!"

Stellina is this weird girl who used to be someone else and is now not. I don't know what to do about her. Before she was who she is now, the person she isn't would threaten to kill me. I knew how to handle that. Lots of people like to threaten to kill me. For various reasons. We get bored here. A lot. Now she's Stellina and she doesn't threaten to kill me anymore. She shows up and watches Dante and I do stuff. Asks me if she can help. Looks at me. Giggles.

It's seriously weird.

"What is it, pancake?" I asked.

"She hopes you have a happy day!!!!"

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

"Oh, and Ethanael?!!!"

"Yeah, pancake?"

"I have another message!!!! YAY!!!"

This is the point where I should have overcome my peace-loving nature and just stabbed the pancake in the face. But I was curious. I'm so used to being able to know what's going to happen by listening to the probabilities. Pancakes don't have music. They're like humans that way.

"Fine. What's the other message, pancake?"


I clamped my hands over my headphones to try to fend off the exclamation mark attack. The pancake lunged for my face. It opened its big smile and tried to bite me. I knocked it aside with my arm.

Or I tried to. First it gummed me with its big talky mouth. Left syrupy bite marks. Gross.

As the talky face pancake bounced off the floor with a sticky BOING, Matt came into the kitchen to yell tell me to stop knocking over the table and chairs. Instead, he got to see me land a wicked fork jab in the pancake's left eye. Syrup gushed! (See? ONE IS ENOUGH.)

As the pancake retreated on top of the stove to plan its next attack, Matt got another of his Older Brother looks. Grabbing the frying pan, he beat the evil flapjack down. Trapped it beneath the pan.

"Damn." He stared at the syrup puddles all over the hardwood. "I'll make scrambled eggs instead."

While he did, I thought about how I was going to find out who sent that evil intent into our kitchen. Who thought they could use Stellina to disarm me. Who would dare soil the innocent nature of happy breakfast foods. I'd expect this treachery from a waffle, but not a pancake.

When Dante shows up, we'll head for the Dream Fields. We're going to find who's behind that offensively excited message. I'll keep you posted on the developments. Unless I hear that it would be unwise to do so.

Until then, beware the talky face pancakes.

Talky face pancake. DO NOT TRUST.


Sarah K said...


I will make sure there are no pancakes on Sunday, either.

Chandra Rooney said...

I did not know that about Matt's mother. You've been keeping things from me, Ethan.

iceneko said...

omg hahahaha~~~~ I'd hate to meet a happy face waffle after hear what pancakes can do XDDD

a.k.a Nikki

Anonymous said...

O.o I am going to like Ethanael's Thursdays! (See? ONE IS ENOUGH.)

Rachel said...

Oh, Ethanael, I've missed you.

Renee Sweet said...


(I was going to say more, but Rachel already said it.)

Renee Sweet said...

p.s. love your bio. ("girl val" lmao)

Ethanael said...

Renee! I like Renee. I like her enough to use an evil exclamation mark. <3 Renee who <3 me.

What's this about music? Do you mean when Chandra was asking me personal questions like how I'd dig to China and what kind of movies I liked? Did she tell you the answers?