Sunday, September 27, 2009

When I grow up I'm going to be a Harvard Symbologist

I bet you're all wondering what I've been doing because you aren't following me on twitter, so you feel disconnected and completely unaware of my exciting life. It's almost as exciting as Ethanael's, who has a new twitter profile picture that sort of actually looks like him. Except he's happier and more manly. (I am require to stress that he is more manly than his profile picture because I know what's good for me.)

If you're not following us on twitter, I understand how you would feel left out. Before I was on twitter I never knew what Vicki Pettersson was doing, either. Now I am and I do, so it's pretty fabulous.

What I have been doing, aside from working out of my house 5 days a week, is reading The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. I sort of got talked into doing it because of work. It didn't help me at my job, though, because reading The Lost Symbol is the best possible way to discourage anyone from wanting to promote it.

But we're going to stress the good things about Dan Brown's latest "novel." I put "novel" like this because I'm pretty sure that's there a lot of trufax in this book. Like lots. Just like there was lots of trufax in The DaVinci Code.

Anyway I came up with a list of 10 awesome things I can tell people about The Lost Symbol:

1) Dan Brown has learned the difference between a thesis and a novel. Or at least how to wrap more narrative around his thesis to better disguise it.

2) Robert Langdon grinds his sumatra coffee beans by hand every morning. Having finished the book I can't tell you what relevance this has to the story or how/why one would even go about grinding their coffee beans by hand. It is, however, the single most defining moment of the novel, because it's the first thing I think of now whenever someone says Dan Brown. Well, I also think of sock puppets, but that's a complicated in-joke.

3) Most of the 100 plus chapters are only a few pages long. They'd be even shorter if they didn't have so many ellipses in them.

4) There's this hilarious chapter in which Robert Langdon calls his editor to get a phone number. I can't wait to have an editor I can call anytime for phone numbers of people who don't want me to have them.

5) Maureen Johnson has a reader's guide.

6) You will learn about tattoos, Masons, and Washington DC. In the way that you previously learned about Paris and The Holy Grail.

7) Dan Brown made up this cool thing called Noetic Science—wait, no he didn't. That's a trufax. My bad.

7) Robert Langdon in mortal peril! Like for realz.

8) The bad guy does the Dark Arts. He's totally more kick ass than Voldemort, because Harry Potter doesn't have any trufax in it. The Lost Symbol has lots. Not about the Dark Arts. Just about buildings. But buildings are good things to know about.

9) Mal'ahk—that's the bad guy—sort of even has a reason to be so hatin' on the Soloman family. When you learn the reason, you're going to be like "wow, that was a pretty mind-blowing plot twist!" Unless you figure it out at page 140, then you're just going to be bored for the next 320 pages.

10) If you call the number given for Peter Soloman in the novel 202-329-5746, YOU CAN LEAVE A MESSAGE! OMG! Should I tell him who Mal'ahk really is or do you think that would spoil the ending?

All right and here's two more things you probably want to remember if you end up having to talk to people who finished the novel: 1) Zachary Soloman and 2) The Bible.

Or you could just say those two things to people then add "like Douglas Adams, I can only give you these answers. You must go out and seek their questions." You'll feel pretty smart and they'll be all like "WOW, you are like a Harvard Symbolist or something."


KT said...

A question of deep importance for if I bother the read this one:

You say it has peril. It is Like DaVinci code where the peril is only to the flat bland OH + OHB, or like Angels and Demons where it's the whole of the city because OMG ANTIMATTER BOMB and if they fail someone actually interesting might die? Angels and Demons was vastly more entertaining because of the scale (and silliness).

Good to know he's learnt how to not just stick some thriller bits on his thesis though. Oddly that was less painful in the big illustrated version, because you got to look at pretty paris stuff instead.

Also, Numberwang makes everything better:

Chandra Rooney said...

Mortal peril = HSRL in mortal peril. Like he's gonna die. OMG YAY.