Monday, February 01, 2010

The Great and Terrible FAILBeast Weekend

I bet you're surprised I know about AmazonFAIL because you're all like "but, Ethan, you're from the future and stuff."

Yes, I am. I'm also from the past and the present. Remember Beyond Time? Lovecraft sucks at Rockband? Just trust me this once. For I offer a unique Beyond Time perspective on your recent internet explosion scandal.

Most of you are worried people will forget the AmazonFAIL. Like they forgot the HarlequinFAIL because there was this new shiny FAIL to remember.

I tell you this: People do not forget what happened for you this weekend. Scalzites gather for years to come. Hold vigils. Honor the fallen warriors. Serious. There's pie and turkey. They call it Winter Failsgiving. To give thanks for the fails. Or the ceasing of the fails. One of those.

After pie, they gather around campfires and tell scary stories of the great FAILbeast Weekend.

It goes a little something like this:

This dude, Scalzi, had a magic series of tubes that he used to fight injustice. The tubes were invented by Al Gore, but he realized they wouldn't fight climate change so he gave them to The Wise Doctorow who shared them with Scalzi. Because all who had used the tubes felt they were a tool to make the world a better place. A place where you could share magic spells. Look at funny pictures of cats. Or even read books that weren't really books. They were like magic screen books.

Magic screen books were awesome because you didn't need to kill trees to make them or waste fuel to ship them. That made Al Gore very happy. But the magic series of tubes was always getting stolen by FAILbeasts. FAILbeasts didn't really care about trees or making the world a better place. They were all about survival. Their survival. Which they assumed was totally threatened by the magic series of tubes not being regulated.

FAILbeastAmzn was like "Whoa, I bet these magic screen books would totally draw many humans to me so I could eat their tasty brainmeats!"

FAILbeastAmzn bartered for the magic screen books. Then it used them to lure humans into eternal servitude. Feasted on their brainmeats. People were like "well, it's the only way to read these magic screen books and they are The Way of The Future."

This went on for a while. Until one day, this dude name McMillian was like "um, I want to sell my magic screen books for a higher price, because your low price is devaluing them. I gots to pay the pixies who magically craft the stories for my screen books. Cupcakes aren't cheap."

FAILbeastAmzn said "Fine. BURRRRP. Oh excuse me. I seem to have belched out a plague that has vanquished your entire pixie village."

Did I mention that Scalzi was a pixie? He was. A space pixie who worked in a few villages because he was a wandering adventurer. It made it easier to fight injustice that way.

So Scalzi got the magic tubes and he gathered some other pixies and they all ripped the FAILbeast a new one. The FAILbeast was like "OH EM GEE now everyone knows I'm a douchebag. They'll stop offering me their cash munnies and I'll have no tasty brainmeats. Sadness."

And the pixies were like "Maybe we seem insignificant but we can band together and attack with the viciousness of ravenous werewolves. Not those nice werewolves, either. The really old-school nasty bastard ones."

The End. Yay! Applause.

After the story everyone nods and feels grateful that they are never asshats to their storytellers. In the future people remember storytellers keep the history and they teach the children. All those future people on Winter Failsgiving totally know that if the world lost its storytellers, there'd be no one to save it from the FAILbeasts.

Trufax.

6 comments:

Rachel said...

I love you, Ethanael.

Ethanael said...

I accept tokens of love in the form of cash munnies.

Melissa said...

Ethanael, are there papery books in teh future?

Rachel said...

That's right, Ethanael. I mean, attacking Failmonsters is all well and good but it doesn't get anything written...

Leigh said...

hehehe...history will show al gore was a genius with his magical tubes.

Leslie said...

Love, love, love!