Friday, November 12, 2010

Best Idea EVER

Dear James Frey,

S'up, dude? You may not realize it, but you are my new word-monkey guy. I have just hired your talented & revolutionary self to write my ideas down into book-type things for me.

You might be thinking, OMGZ, why me? I'm so not worthy of your inspiration that you get from too much anime and stealing ideas from Doctor Who. It's ok, you can admit you think I steal my ideas from Doctor Who. It's reasonable to feel envious of my awesomeness. Lots of people do. It's why they're so negative when I make stuff up and try to pass it off as factual. But you know that feeling all-too-well. See? We have so much in common. I agree that aliens are both super-powered and profitable!

Anyway, less about you. More about me. I'm the important idea person in this partnership, after all. You're probably wondering why I don't just continue writing my own books. Well, I have to work two jobs, because writing isn't paying my bills. So while I'm working & running a Teen Book Club & busting my butt advocating teen reading, I'm not left with oodles of time to devote to my own writing.

That's where you come in, word-monkey extraordinaire. I read this interview you did, and I was like "WOW, that dude needs a little helping hand into this harsh publishing world." That's why I'm addressing you in this blog post: I want to help you break into publishing.

And ok, I only read the first page of that interview—was it an interview? It was an interview, right? Let's just say it was and move on. On the first page you were all "I want to change the world with the things I write," I was like "yeah! You know it."

It's really important to me that you care about what you're doing. I want you to feel happy and proud of what you produce, because your pay for ghost-writing is essentially going to be hand-written notes of appreciation from Ethanael. Unless he refuses to hand-write them, then we'll just make sure we print an eloquent form letter on nice stationary. Only the best paper stock for you, buddy!

If you're going to be all "But I'm James Frey" then I guess we can choose a pseudonym to publish under, but I'm totally going to tell everyone that I did all the hard work. You'll be credited as an unknown writer I plucked from anonymity for the opportunity to work and learn from me. There's just so much I could teach you!

If you're still on the fence, then you just need to think of how much exposure this will get. It'll be so epic for both us. Well, mostly me, but I will definitely thank you by name in my Hugo acceptance speech.

Remember, James, it's really all about collaboration and changing the world through writing whatever the fuck we want.

Have your agent call my agent to set up the meeting,

PS I'm going to clear you a spot on the floor to keep your stuff in our office, but you can't leave anything behind because the rabbit likes to chew.


Leigh said...


Chandra, this was hilarious! I read that awful piece about him - his hubris is galling! Part of me wants his self-confidence but then another part of me would probably slap that part silly.

Chandra Rooney said...

Philosophically I think James Frey says a lot of things that make sense. I don't question his madness, per say, as much as I question his methods.

Most of the time, however, I just hope he's literature's greatest performance artist.

Leslie said...

Awesome :)

Say 'hi' to the rabbit. I like to chew too.

N.E. Williams said...

This was beyond hilarious. I love it. I hope he doesn't fuck up the YA industry for writers like myself trying to get a foot in the door to get our own things published for the younger or older audience.