Monday, May 28, 2012

Why Ryan Gosling should play Finnick

Dear Ryan Gosling,

So I know you're busy policing the sidewalks of my new city to defend my rights as a pedestrian, and I really appreciate it. But I watched The Ides of March for you. Furthermore, other women watched Crazy Stupid Love, and you owe them an apology for wasting their time like that.

Sure you've been breaking up fights and saving us from getting run over by taxis in an attempt to prove you are better than the films you make to pay for hot water heaters for orphanages.

But there is a greater cause, Ryan. Have you heard of a little something called The Hunger Games? I'm not going to lie, the trilogy mostly underwhelmed me—except for Mockingjay, which left me a quivering mass of PTSD and incapable of feeling love for about a week. That totally just got your attention, didn't it?

Stick with me here. The best part of the trilogy was Finnick Odair, whom we meet in Catching Fire. Finnick is one of those characters who has more to him that what we see on the surface. He requires an actor who can emote—who can express that deep-rooted trauma in a simple glance. And y'know, kick someone's head in if required in the Arena.

I have watched Drive, Ryan. I know you are very capable of emoting entire life stories in a single glance—and acting like you're kicking a dude's head in.

You might think this is just a cheap ploy to get you into that fishing net and Speedo outfit Finnick wears, but I assure you that is part of the complexity of his character. He was forced into male prostitution, and—SPOILER—he dies terribly, which I suspect is something you look for in a part.

Did I mention how Finnick is completely devoted to his love, Annie? Devoted like your meme, Ryan. It's an obvious casting choice. So call your agent or Suzanne Collins—I bet she would totally take a call from you—and tell them that you want the part.

The movie's going to be huge, Ryan. Think of how happy you'll make readers of Catching Fire around the world. (And of all the hot water heaters you can get for orphanages.)


PS I was in Parkdale and some dude was totally doing stunts on his bike on the sidewalk. He didn't even have a helmet on. You should come and talk to him about cyclist safety.

1 comment:

Lesliejm said...

Is it possible to express double extra love for this post?