Thursday, May 17, 2012

Your question, mortal, ANSWERED.


I bet you thought I was dead.

I am not.

I was banished.

Well, grounded. Which is like being banished. Except your parents or parental figures do it. If your parental figures happen to be royalty then it's basically the same thing as being banished. So I was banished.

I bet you also did not know if you ask a question in three separate comments from two different names but using the same IP address in between 3:15 and 3:25 pm EDT on this blog on Thursdays and if you put French in your second comment for no apparent reason, you will get something better than answer.

What you will get is a personal response from an Old One. If it's convenient and I'm not busy doing other important Eldritch things.

And you won't get my expressed gratitude. That's asking for too much. Especially when I see you have not brought me Skittles.

Behold... the invocation of the muse (that's me) to validate my presence here.

Thursday, May 17 @ 3:15 pm
Anonymous wrote on I wish Totoro was my neighbour -- Debs and Errol:
Hiiii, ummm random question.... i saw ur article nd i was wondering..... so will there be a 2012 Teen Book Awards??

Thursday, May 17 @ 3:22 pm
Unknown wrote on I wish Totoro was my neighbour -- Debs and Errol:
Hi! I was just wondering - I recently read your article: And I'm being to know, will there be Teen Book Awards this yearr!?!?! Merci, for taking thev time to read and reply (that is if you do)

Thursday, May 17 @ 3:24 pm
Unknown wrote on I wish Totoro was my neighbour -- Debs and Errol:
Hi, I saw your article: And i was just wondering are they having a Teen Book Award this year!? thnks for answering


Salutations, Anonymous Unknown.

Thought my name was awful. Yours? Dire.

I go by Ethan sometimes. Do people ever call you Anony? I'm going to start right now, and then you can say people do. I'm not people, but you shouldn't say that an Old One who lives on the other side of your mirror calls you Anony. Won't go over well.

I feel a kinship with you beyond our mutually awful names, Anony. A kinship in how our random is not really random. A question about BOOKS on a post about TOTORO. I see what you did there. Books are made of paper. Paper comes from trees. Totoro is a tree spirit.

That's so not-random but made to look like it's random. And then you call it random so that people will think it is when it's an obvious logical subject linkage that makes absolute sense to anyone who isn't human.

Most of the readers of this blog are human. Half of us who check the comments are human, but she does enough impossible things to make her being human forgivable. You had a good chance of appearing to be successfully random.

Where you failed, dear Anony, is thanking me for answering. It betrays you know that I'll answer, which reveals that you're not random at all. You're a TIME TRAVELER. You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce that. Watson could've figured it out. Because he also has a blog and I bet it has analytical bloggy things that tell him stuff. He must, Anony, because I do. And I'm not a well known blogging detective.

Pause. Because you're a time traveler who already knows the answer to the question you've asked, you are obligated to answer me a far more important one: Is HP Lovecraft forming his own Rockband with Nikola Tesla to rival mine? I almost hear it's so in the possibilities, but it's hard to get a consistent read on anything related to Tesla because he's shrouded in echoes of being bat shit insane.

My Rockband is important. I've worked really hard training the marmots, Anony. You know that, as you know all things, because you are a time traveler. It's the only explanation for your knowing how to invoke my personal reply before I had publicly revealed the invocation.

Why are we playing this game, Anony? Are you my Moriarty? Because I already declared that to be James Frey. WAIT. ARE YOU JAMES FREY?

If you are James Frey: Dude. This is not the way to do things. Show some decorum. Respect the craft. Come to Parkdale and have a Clarinet-off like a true literary hipster. We still love you, James. We know the Phantom Five thing was just surrealist performance art.

If you are not James Frey, I trust you will disregard that message meant only for him.

Right. The answer. You did invoke me, Anony, and I am obligated by the made up laws of this made up invocation to give you an answer. Here it comes, random but not random time traveling kindred spirit who might be James Frey. I'll even put it in our mutual language of RyanGoslingMeme:

Hey Girl, if there were awards for people being books, I'd totally award you one for the Best 3 Random Comments Asking the Same Question Within 10 Minutes on a Thursday Afternoon. Rhinoceros.

Happy? Great. I have to finish teaching the marmots the chords to that song about Totoro.


KT said...

Missed you, Ethanael.

Errol said...

Heh, I'm reminded of Dirk Gently... well... yes, there are many things to be reminded about in this blog post... but one part stuck out. :D

Ethanael said...

Why? Where did you go, KT? Did James Frey take you into his author sweat shop surrealist performance art collaboration loft? DON'T SIGN THE CONTRACT, KT. STALL. STAB WITH A PEN. WE ARE COMING FOR YOU.

Chandra Rooney said...

Please don't encourage Ethanael. He might start blogging on a regular basis again.

It's bad enough he harasses my friends with Ryan Gosling tweets. :(