Sunday, May 19, 2013

Space Bros 2

On Friday we had a half-day at work and a friend declared she was going to see Star Trek Into Darkness and I was like "I like every actor in that movie" and off we went to see it.

I don't know if it was Star Trek, but it was definitely an action movie and you know what? I enjoyed it. Possibly for the same reasons I enjoyed watching Thor. Star Trek Into Darkness is so shiny and everyone in it acts the hell out of what they've been given to work with, but it doesn't really make any sense. It's like watching any episode of the recent season of Doctor Who.

If you don't want to know what happens in Star Trek Into Darkness, you should stop reading.
No, really, stop reading.

I'm going to tell you what happens.

I did warn you.

Ok, fine, but don't complain to me in the comments that I "ruined" it or "spoiled" things for you because I have given you adequate warnings.


Kirk: Bro, I've effed up big time.

Spock: Bro, you effed up big time.


Spock: You're being illogical. Also, that's not a real word.

Kirk: Brotrayal.


Mickey Smith: (may not have had any actual lines of dialogue but got a lot of sentimental music to express the FEELS of a dire situation.)

Sherlock: Hello, I see you would be an excellent candidate for blackmail.

Mickey Smith: (looks hopeful)

Sherlock: Yes, an excellent candidate. Indeed.


Things explode. A lot. Sherlock stares. A lot.

Wait, no, I got that out of order. Sherlock stares a lot and then eventually things explode. Not because he stares at them, unless his stare was what compelled Mickey Smith to make things explode—which is entirely possibly because it's a powerful stare that fully conveys how Mickey Smith owes Sherlock.

That's how blackmail works, I guess. By staring.


Kirk: Wow, Sherlock got so mean without Watson there to tell him not to be an asshole. Watson should've never gone off with those dwarfs.

Spock: Yet Sherlock's cruelty makes him no less handsome. It's all very illogical.

Kirk: Maybe I'm your Watson?

Spock: Is this part of your Earthling humor?

Kirk: I'm still angry about that brotrayal.

Spock: I still do not recognize that as a word.


More things explode! Some people die! Sherlock stares at everyone while wearing a really great coat!


Kirk: Space Elf bro, I've forgiven your brotrayal.

Spock: I'm happy we're moving the plot along, Captain.

Kirk: How can you be happy? YOU HAVE NO FEELS.

Spock: Maybe I subtly just informed you that I do.

Kirk: What?

Spock: Maybe my FEELS are all in the subtext, locked away because I'm ashamed of them.

Kirk: We have to go get Sherlock. He's such an asshole! He doesn't even hit on the ladies all the time like I do.

Spock: But he's off in deep space with our enemies.

Kirk: We must risk the Daleks.

Spock: Klingons.

Kirk: Look, bro, bros don't correct their bros. It hurts the bro FEELS.

Spock: FEELS are hard.


Kirk: Ok, everyone, we're loading some suspicious weapons on board because the admiral says we can go to an enemy planet and do a secret special mission. It's not suspicious at all that he'd let me do this when it's known that he thinks I'm an idiot.

Carol: Hi! I'm a science officer joining your party.

Spock: Perhaps you are a scientist but you're also suspicious.

Carol: Hush exposition with half drawn-on eyebrows, I'm talking to Kirk.

Kirk: A lady is talking to me.

Spock: Is this low-level certainty that everyone around me is stupid what Sherlock feels all the time?

Bones: Probably. You've got so much in common.

Spock: How so?

Bones: You're both emotionless. Creepy yet somehow alluring.

Spock: I hadn't considered this, Doctor. Perhaps Sherlock and I are representations of the danger of having no emotions?

Bones: Damned if I know about themes, Spock, I'm just a doctor.


Simon Pegg: You can't bring these weird weapons on my ship.

Kirk: Why do you sound like Craig Ferguson? You're Simon Pegg.

Simon Pegg: I quit because you aren't listening to my logic.

Kirk: Fine. I hate logic anyway because Spock likes it and I'm passive-agressively fighting with him.

Simon Pegg: BROTRAYAL.

Kirk: It's going around, Peggy.


So they go to find Sherlock despite that Spock wants everyone to question their life decisions, because logic loses to plot.

Something goes wrong with the warp core, because that's the whole point of the ship having a warp engine. Seriously. That damn thing is always breaking. Chekov is pretty uncertain he can fix it and I'm at this point starting to wonder if when they find Sherlock they will also find the plot. It's gotta be the only reason they're doing any of this.

So off they go to the planet full of murderous aliens and Sherlock.


Spock: This is a Klingon planet.

Uhura: Fortunately, I speak Daleklingon.

Kirk: Subtextually, I resent you a bit for kicking more ass than I do.

Spock: Why are you all so illogical?

Uhura: YOU HAVE NO FEELS. Kirk agrees.

Spock: No, I have feels. I have so many feels. And I also took some feels from someone as he died so I could better understand your human feels.

Uhura: That's incredibly creepy. Like almost as creepy as Sherlock but less homicidal.

Kirk: Why would you do that, bro?

Spock: Logic told me the plot would need me to, bro, so I could talk about my feels.

Kirk: Logic is hard.

Spock: Not as hard as feels.


Uhura: Hey Daleklingons. I speak your language. Nifty, amiright?


Kirk: UNFAIR! I'm supposed to be the cool one!

Sherlock: This is my Angel Islington Voice, and that was my Arrow impression. Did you enjoy it? Was it sufficient in its ridiculous awesomeness? Was my gun big enough?

Kirk: I want to punch your beautiful face, bro! For reasons.

Sherlock: Punch away. My cheekbones and amazing coat give me defensive strength.

Uhura: His's so creepy.

Spock: Yet alluring at the same time.

Sherlock: I am enunciating every word very clearly to express my utter disdain. I assure you I'm not a Vulcan because my hair is imperfect after being ridiculously awesome

Kirk: So creepy.

Spock: Yet alluring at the same time.

Sherlock: I surrender. Take me to your TARDIS—I mean whatever spaceship your people have.

Kirk: It's a really nice ship.

Sherlock: I'm sure it is, Captain.

Kirk: Everything sounds undermining when you say it. I hate that you're so cool.

Sherlock: Indeed.


Kirk: We totally put you in jail! But I also had them comb your hair back. I wanted you to feel like you were being treated well so you'd see how reasonable we good guys are.

Sherlock: Indeed. Now you will attempt to kill me?

Kirk: We're gonna take you to Earth and make you stand trial.

Sherlock: I see. Did you make this decision based on how I killed nearly the entire party of Daleklingons single-handedly?

Kirk: Um... No. I made it for... reasons. Smart reasons. Yeah. For logic!

Sherlock: I appeal to your conscience. Your morality. I'm told people have these things. I find them bothersome.

Kirk: Ok, you got me. My bro Spock told me to do this. He's logical. I'm not.

Sherlock: Ahhh, Captain, it's all right to admit you're impressed by me. My logic is superior to Spock's logic in every way.

Kirk: Look, Spock and I are cool right now, ok? We had a talk about FEELS. I want to respect that he has them.

Sherlock: Listen to my Angel Islington Voice. It's not brotrayal. You and I can also be... "bros."

Kirk: No. Spock is my first bro. Even more of my bro than Bones or Peggy! FIRST BRO.

Sherlock: You're a captain, I'm this movie's equivalent of a Time Lord, which is like you but superior in all ways. Also, your admiral is going to brotray you.

Kirk: NO WAY.

Sherlock: He committed the brotrayal against me. You and I have so much in common. Consider my offer of broship. I'll tell you who my tailor is.

Kirk: Must. Resist. Must. FLEEEEEE!


Admiral: Hey guys. I came to brotray you. So gimme John Smith. Jack Harkness. Whatever the hell we're calling Benedict Cumberbatch in this movie.

Kirk: He says his name is Sherlock, and he wants to be my bro.

Admiral: Yes, and he'll brotray you. I'm totally brotraying you, too. But he'll brotray you worse. Because he's Sherlock. High functioning sociopath and all that. I'm just an angry man who wants to start an intergalactic war.


Spock: Captain, logic says it's time to tell you Carol is the admiral's daughter.

Carol: Chill, bros, I'll appeal to my Dad's FEELS.

Admiral: And I'll steal you with my transporter. I don't want you to die. I'm not a total monster.

Kirk: Everything is brotrayal and chaos! I better go talk to Sherlock. Enemy of my enemy is my new bro.

Spock: Logic tells me this will go badly.

Kirk: I'm doing it.

Spock: Logic wants me to question your life decisions.

Kirk: Again?

Spock: Always.

Kirk: Listen, bro, this isn't about logic because my actions don't make any sense. In fact, I actually say in the movie that my actions don't make any sense. But my FEELS tell me I gotta do this.

Spock: It's almost like I'm a slave to logic and you're a slave to emotion. It's almost like only relying on one is a bad life decision.

Kirk: Whoa, there, bro. Don't get philosophical. We've got a ship to save.


Kirk: Hey, Sherlock.

Sherlock: Oh, hello, Captain. Brotrayal from the admiral came just as I predicted, I see.

Kirk: How do you know all of this?

Sherlock: Some events are fixed points in time.

Kirk: Good thing I shun logic or I'd question you more. Anyway, how'd you like to wear a space suit that kind of makes you look like an EVA pilot and do a space luge from our crippled ship to the admiral's? It's going to be a great part of the video game.

Sherlock: How delightful. Try to keep up, as I'm ever so much better at being awesome than you are.

Kirk: Well, I did this in the first movie so I'm probably better at it than you.

Sherlock: Doubtful, but why don't I let you feel secure in a false sense of superiority so I can use you to get what I want?

Kirk: So we're fake bros?

Sherlock: Fake bros. Indeed.


Things go terribly wrong. Sherlock kills a bunch of people and it's BROTRAYAL and Kirk is surprised even though he shouldn't be.


Spock: Hello, New Vulcan.

William Bell: Spock, please tell JJ Abrams to stop messing with the space time continuum.

Spock: Tell me about the movie that this movie was before someone remade it.

William Bell: No. The time reset negates that previous movie. Didn't you watch Fringe?

Spock: Very few people watched Fringe.

William Bell: If I tell you then it becomes a fixed path.

Spock: That seems as illogical as the reasoning for why the 11th Doctor couldn't save Amy and Rory.

William Bell: Point taken. I will tell you this: during a future scene you're going to yell SHERLOCK with the feels that other people yell BROTRAYAL.


Anyway more stuff happens. Most of it happens like an explosion. There's a lot of exploding. Most of it in space, and then there's a spaceship crashing towards Earth but it doesn't because Kirk does something stupid and noble for the greater good.


Kirk: Bro, I made a life decision like you would've.

Spock: I see now how logic leads to death.

Kirk: Feels also lead to death.

Spock: All leads to death.

Kirk: I'm so glad we're bros and we saved our ship, bro.



Sherlock lost his really cool coat earlier so he like jets off to earth and steals another coat that's not as cool but it's nice enough. He and Spock have a fight over who is the more appealing emotionless character. Uhura helps Spock defeat Sherlock. Anyway, Sherlock's not dead—he's just sleeping. We all know that Sherlock never really dies. Neither does Kirk.

Then there's a speech and the movie is like SURPRISE SUCKERS WE'RE TOTALLY BACK ON THE TIMELINE OF THE ORIGINAL SERIES. Let us end with the speech that opens the TV show episodes!

And we all learned a lesson about FEELS and being bros and not trusting any character played by Benedict Cumberbatch or Peter Weller.

The End.